I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
