I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
