i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
