this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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