She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
