I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
