just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize