Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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