Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
