why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
