I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
No...this little piggys going to the bar
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
