He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
