When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My ass is underappreciated
Randomize
