girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize