playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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