the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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