The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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