I'm going to jail i love you
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
