dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
