my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
