I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
