I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
third nipple confirmed
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
