My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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