She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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