She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
