Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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