sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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