What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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