Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Randomize
