The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
