So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
