am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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