I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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