Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
