Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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