I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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