My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
