I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
