yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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