my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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