i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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