my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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