I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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