I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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