Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
