Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
