Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
