So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
