Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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