Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
