So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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