last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
