You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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