I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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