i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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