Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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