so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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