I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Randomize
