So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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