After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
