onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
